The Exegesis of the Downhill Slide

The Exegesis of the Downhill Slide

The question I keep asking myself is this: Ďhow did we get here from there?í I mean, you have to wonder, how did things get to this point? I canít give you the whole evolution, but I can tell you how it all got started. If you want to find out how this whole downhill slide began, youíve got to go right to The Good Book; yes, The Bible. All the answers are right in there.

We all know the story of Adam and Eve, right? Well, we probably donít know it as well as we should. Hereís the whole thing explained so everyone can understand. Understanding Genesis will help you understand why the world we live in has become so far removed from the Eden we all wished it was.

 

Everything starts when God makes everything Ė the earth, the heavens, the sun, the moon. He makes animals and He makes plants, but He doesnít have anyone around to water the plants or domesticate the animals, so God makes man. Alphabetization starts early, as Jehovah names the first man Adam.

 

1:2:5 The earth was seeded but still barren, for Jehovah God had not caused it to rain upon the earth: and there was not a man to till the ground;

1:2:6 So Jehovah caused it to rain, and watered the whole face of the ground.

1:2:7 And Jehovah God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

1:2:8 And Jehovah God planted a garden eastward, in Eden, where he placed the man whom he had just formed.

 

Now God sets up a kickiní crib for Adam in the Garden of Eden. The crib is laid out with lots of plants and animals, a sweet view of the ocean, and an awesome entertainment unit with all of the latest game consoles, with the exception of the highly overpriced PS3. God just wants Adam to kick back, relax, and enjoy his stay at Hotel Eden.

 

1:2:9 And God made trees grow out of the ground, all of which were good for food and pleasant to see, including the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

1:2:15 And God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to maintain it and to keep it.

1:2:16 And God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:

 

Of course, God doesnít want Adam to know about all of the sicko stuff that went on in order to furnish his sweet crib. Adamís living pretty large on Godís ticket, and it would really play on Adamís mind if he knew about the angel sweatshops in Bangalore that were working overtime to furnish his sweet digs. Adamís a very west-coast type of dude, and if he knew about all of the toxic chemicals that went into keeping the genetically modified grass of Eden super green, heíd be kinda pissed.

Furthermore, Godís about to create Eve, and we all know how granola young girls can be. Eve would surely get all self-righteous and indignant if she knew about all of the evil shit that was required to keep oil below fifty bucks a barrel; and even God knows better than to mess with a chick with an attitude Ė and this is before chicks were even created.

So God has a little heart to heart with Adam. He says:

ďLook, Iíve pimped your ride, Iíve set you up in a beautiful crib, Iíve given you dominion over all of the plants and animals, and in a minute, Iím going to rip out one of your ribs and create for you something youíre really, really, really going to enjoy. Youíve just got to do one thing for me: do not, and I repeat, do not eat from the tree of wisdom over there. You can eat from any tree in the garden, but if you eat from the tree of wisdom, youíll die, youíll die painfully, and youíll die quickly. Whatever you do, do not eat from that tree.Ē

You see, the apples of the tree contained wisdom, knowledge and information. Iím not sure why, but for some reason, back in the biblical ages, God used apples to store information, and if you ate the apple, you absorbed all of the information inside. Apples were the mainframe databases of their time. God didnít want Adam to eat off of the tree of wisdom. God wanted to keep Adam ignorant of the ways of the world.

1:2:16 And God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:

1:2:17but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: when thou eatest thou shalt surely die.

So as you can see, God pretty much lays down the law. He makes it clear as a bell that Adam canít eat from the tree of knowledge and wisdom, and if he does, heíll drop dead on the spot. Adam, having no reason to cross God, obeyed, and stayed away from the tree of wisdom. Adam just kinda kicked back in his crib, wasting the days away by playing X-Box and watching Much Music.

Of course, a man can only play X-Box and watch MTV for so long before needing a little female companionship, so God drops some roofies in Adamís Kool-Aid, waits for him to pass out, and then rips out one of his ribs. From that rib, God creates a little sweetie named Eve.

1:2:18And Jehovah God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a partner for him.

1:2:21And Jehovah God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and God took one of Adamís ribs

1:2:22 and God made a woman from the rib he took from Adam.

1:2:23And the man said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

1:2:24And when a man takes a woman to be his wife,the two shall become one flesh.

1:2:25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Now Eve was a pretty kewl chick, cuz back in the beginning, everyone was perfect; nobody got fat, nobody grew old, and nobody ever got moody, although God does burden women with a menstrual cycle fairly soon. The only pisser about Eve was the fact that she didnít really dig on the X-Box, so sheíd often go away and read some Dianne Steele type fluff when Adam was involved in some heavy online gaming. But then again, thatís not really such a bad thing; after all, every man needs some time alone with his game console.

Anyways, one day Eve decides to read one of her romance novels under the wisdom tree, when some nefarious little character strikes up a conversation with her. Genesis never really mentions who or what this character is Ė it simply refers to him as a Ďserpent.í

 

1:3:1††††† Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field.

 

This character canít be a normal animal, cuz animals generally canít talk; and the serpent canít be the devil or anything, because as weíll see in a minute, God gets all Wikken on the serpentís ass and turns it into a snake, and not even Jehovah can manhandle the devil like that.

All we know is that this character, which might be a fairy, a mischievous angel, a demi-god, or perhaps even one of Eveís schizophrenic personalities, is one shit disturbing son of a gun.

 

1:3:1 And the serpent said to the Eve, ďhas God said, Ye shall not eat of any tree of the garden?Ē

1:3:2 And the woman said to the serpent, ďWe can eat from any of the trees in the gardenĒ

1:3:3 ďbut of the fruit of the tree of knowledge and wisdom, God has said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, or it will kill you.Ē

1:3:4 And the serpent said unto the woman, ďItís not going to kill you!Ē

1:3:5 for God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as God, knowing good and evil.

Now The Bible provides the abridged version of the conversation between Eve and the serpent. If we were a fly on the wall listening in, Iím sure the conversation would have sounded more like this:

Serpent: Yo girlfriend, what up? Have you tasted that sweet honey dripping from the wisdom tree?

Eve: Oh no, God told us we canít eat anything from the wisdom tree. The whole tree is off limits Ė no sucking on itís bark, no tapping its sap for maple syrup, and definitely no eating of its apples.

Serpent: Who told you this? The wisdom tree has the sweetest fruit in the garden! The French are already talking about making some ice wine from it next season.Ē

Eve: God told us not to eat from it.

Serpent: Thatís not what I heard. I distinctly remember God saying Ďall the fruit in Eden is good.í (Which technically, is true; from Gen: 1:2:16 ďAnd God commanded the man, saying, of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eatĒ)

Eve: Ya, but then He said not the wisdom tree.

Serpent: ďShugga, you donít know what youíre talking about. Either you can eat it all, or you canít eat it all. Trust me, I know God, and heís an all or nothing type of dude. Either He makes everything good, or He makes everything bad. He doesnít do any of that half way shit where some trees are good, and some trees are bad. Tell me, what exactly did God say?Ē

Eve: Well, Iím not exactly sure what God said. I wasnít created when He said it. He told this to Adam.

Serpent: ďOh, I get it now. Adam fucked up the message. Men canít be left with even the simplest of instructions; donít you know that, girlfriend? Trust me, God said that all the fruit in the garden was good.Ē

Eve: ďWell, Iím not going to chance it. Iím happy with the fruit off the orgasm tree and the crystal meth tree.Ē

Serpent: ďBut this is the wisdom tree. Donít you see, the MAN wants to keep you down. The MAN wants to keep you ignorant. The MAN wants to keep you oppressed. The man has pulled the wool over your eyes, and He doesnít want you to see the truth about whatís going on in the world. Donít be such a ĎUncle TomíĒ

Eve:What do you mean, ĎUncle Tom?íĒ

Serpent: ďLook around you, ho. Who do you think printed that book in your hand? Who do you think assembled those game consoles in your entertainment room? Who do you think sews that Nike swoosh on those shoes you never wear?

Eve: I thought God just created them out of thin air?

Serpent: ďGirlfriend, buy a clue. There are sweatshops in third world nations such as India, Pakistan and Oshawa making child angels work horrific 18 hour days to keep you in the latest fashions. God just wants to keep you ignorant of lifeís little realities, because He knows how upset a little granola girl like yourself would get if you found out the truth.Ē

Eve: ďAnd what makes you so smart? How do you know all this?Ē

Serpent: ďBecause I ate from the wisdom tree, and you should too. Look, if you want to live your life like a holy mushroom: kept in the dark and fed Godís shit all day long, then stay away from tree of wisdom. But if you want a little hot truth injection, take a bite.Ē

And basically, that was it. Eve figured that it was better to know the truth about the world than to be kept ignorant and in the dark, so she chowed down on the apples, and absorbed the knowledge from the tree of wisdom.

 

 

1:3:4 And the serpent said unto the woman, ďItís not going to kill you!Ē

1:3:5 for God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as God, knowing good and evil.

 

Now by this time, Adam had been on the Game Cube for a few hours, and he was getting a little, er, lonely; so he headed out to find his bottom b for some loving.

Now when Adam sees Eve downing apples from the tree of wisdom, he gets a little upset.

Adam: EVE! STOP! If you eat that fruit, youíll die! Thatís some seriously bad cider! Youíre going to go into convulsions and sweats and hives and your blood is going to boil under your skin! I canít believe you ate it.

Eve: No way! The fruitís awesome! Look, the tree is beautiful, itís pleasant to the eye, the fruit doesnít have any bruises on it, and it tastes pretty damn good. And besides, Iíve been eating apples since noon, and I feel great.

Adam: What, are you calling God a liar? He said not to eat the fruit. He said that if you eat the fruit, at that instant, that VERY INSTANT, you will die.

Eve: First of all, boyfriend, thatís what God said to you. Remember, I was still just a little rib at the time. He didnít say squat to me. And secondly, heís frigginí lying to you. This fruit wonít kill you. In fact, itíll open your eyes to the ways of the world. Do you know how many kids they kill to keep the price of oil low? Do you know how many chemicals are used to keep our grass green? Did you know that the whole Apollo moon landing was just a hoax? Youíre as clueless as a Liberal, and God wants to keep you that way.

This apple isnít going to kill you. The apple is going to show you what a fucked up world it is that we live in, and thatís something God simply doesnít want you to know. Trust me. I know. Iíve eaten off the tree of knowledge and wisdom, and you my friend, havenít.

And so Adam bought Eveís argument about not living a life of ignorant bliss, and ate one of the apples, acquiring all of the wisdom that was acquired earlier by Eve, and thus ending the only period in the history of the human race where a woman was actually wiser and more knowledgeable than a man.

 

1:3:5 God knows that on the day you eat off the tree of wisdom, your eyes shall be opened, and you shall be as God, knowing good and evil.

1:3:6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat; and she gave also unto her husband with her, and he did eat.

1:3:7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig-leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

 

Now God comes around, and while Adam and Eve are pretty sure that God was lying when He told them they would die if they ate off the tree of wisdom, at the same time, theyíre pretty scared, because they have disobeyed God, and Godís not exactly a deity you want to bedevil.

So Adam and Eve hide behind some bushes, they put on some designer fig leaves, and then God sees them. God notices a bunch of apple cores on the ground under the tree of wisdom, and He notices that Adam and Eve are wearing some Hilfiger fig leaves around their uglies. Thatís when God absolutely loses it.

 

1:3:8 And they heard the voice of Jehovah God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of Jehovah God amongst the trees of the garden.

1:3:9 And Jehovah God called unto the man, and said unto him, Where are you?

1:3:10And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

1:3:11 And God said, ďHast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?Ē

 

So God turns to Adam and says ďWTF??? Did you just eat off of the tree of wisdom?Ē to which we learn another valuable, Biblical lesson, as Adam retorts ďMy wife made me do it.Ē

 

1:3:11 And God said, ďHast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?Ē

1:3:12 And the man said, ďEve gave me an apple from the tree, and I ate the apple.Ē

 

You see, the next great lesson of The Bible is one of self-preservation. If youíre in shit, especially if the shit is deep, donít be afraid to rat out your mother, your father, your brother, your sister, your wife or your girlfriend. Donít save someone else when youíve got an opportunity to save yourself. Thatís the way of The Bible.

So now Eve, following the lead of her boyfriend, blames the serpent. Giving Him three finger-snaps, Eve says to God:

ďFirst of all, you didnít tell me not to eat from the tree; you told Adam. I was just a rib back then. If the message was so frigginí important, you should have taken the time and told me yourself. Secondly, I never would have eaten from the tree if this serpent character here didnít talk me into it, and thirdly, I want to be wise and knowledgeable.

ďI donít want to live like a blind man. I want to know of both good and evil. I want to know of pleasure and of pain. I want to be wise and know the ways of the world. I donít want to live a life of ignorant bliss when children of the world are starving, and good people are suffering in pain.

ďAnd besides, you lied to us. You said weíd die if we ate off the tree of wisdom, and we didnít. Why should we do anything you tell us, when we know youíre not telling us the truth?Ē

You see, I told you that Eve was one self-righteous chick.

 

1:3:13 And Jehovah God said unto the woman, What is this thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

 

The fact of the matter is, Adam and Eve had caught God in a lie. They ate off the tree of wisdom, they lived, and they exposed Jehovah as the liar that He was. God said that they would immediately die if they ate off of the tree of wisdom. They didnít.

So here God teaches us another very important lesson: when caught in a lie, donít try to justify the lie; donít try to talk your way out of it; just get angry and play your trump card.

For example, remember when you were fifteen, and your Mom goes through all the stuff in your room and finds some note that talks about all of the things youíre not supposed to be doing? What happens when your Mom confronts you with it? What do you do? You donít justify your actions, but instead, you get angry at your Mom for invading your privacy and going through your stuff.

Respect for your privacy becomes your trump card. Rather than trying to justify your indiscretions, youíve got to take an offensive positions and go on and on about the privacy violation. Youíve got to get all self-righteous about how you canít believe your Mom violated your privacy. Youíve got to go on about how you just canít trust her, and how youíll never, ever share anything with her again. Youíve got to go on about how that sacred bond between mother and son has been violated. If you get angry enough, your Mom will completely forget why she got mad at you in the first place.

So this is exactly what God does. Instead of dealing with the lie, He gets super heated at Eve for disobeying His instructions, despite the fact that He never actually gave them to her in the first place.

 

So God gets all Harry Potter on the little rabble-rouser that convinced Eve to eat the apple, turning the serpent into a snake and forcing that character to slither on his belly for the rest of eternity.

 

1:3:14And Jehovah God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, cursed art thou above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

 

As for Eve, God got incredibly cruel and curses her with a menstrual cycle. Furthermore, God burdens women with the job of childbirth, and in his fit of rage, promises that spitting a 7 lb baby out of a very private orifice will be a very, very painful endeavor.

 

1:3:15And God says:I will put enmity between man and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed: he shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

1:3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy pain and thy conception; in pain thou shalt bring forth children;

 

Furthermore, God tells Eve that for the rest of time, women shall be ruled over by men. Of course, Eve never listened to Adam about the apple, so we have no reason to believe that sheíd listen to her husband about anything else, but nevertheless, God decrees it.

 

1:3:16 And a womans desire shall be to thy husband, and man shall rule over thee.

 

So to recap, God gets all Beelzebub on the serpent, turning him into a snake. God curses Eve, and all women for that matter, with the burden of menstruation and childbirth, while at the same time, making women subservient to men. And of course, Adam doesnít get off Scott free altogether either, although he does get off a little easier than Eve and the serpent.

Adam gets his game console and his crib by the ocean taken away. Gone are the days of living on easy street. Instead, Adam is punished for listening to his wife, and will now have to till the ground, toil in the fields, and live off the land.

 

1:3:17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in toil shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

1:3:18thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

1:3:19 in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

 

And once this punishment was set in place, God placed some Goodwill clothes on Adam and Eveís backs, put a little bit of change in their pockets, and then kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden for good, forcing them to fend for themselves, while dealing with the cruel reality of life.

 

1:3:19in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

1:3:20 And the man called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.

1:3:21 And Jehovah God made for Adam and for his wife coats of skins, and clothed them.

1:3:22 And Jehovah God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil; and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever.

1:3:23 therefore Jehovah God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.

1:3:24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden the Cherubim, and the flame of a sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

 


So thatís it. Thatís how this whole downhill slide got started. Life was once perfect, but it was a faÁade. Man wanted to know of both pleasure and pain, of both good and evil, and in order to know of it, one must experience it. Thatís why weíre here, and thatís why we live the way we do.


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Crazy Distances, #30 Just 30 Short Miles Away When The Simpson?s drive to Capital City, the sign says that it is 30 miles away. 30 miles equates to 48 kilometers, and 48 kilometers is the exact distance between Pickering and downtown Toronto, which is the capital of Ontario. Crazy Distances, #8 How far away is Branson, MO? When The Simpson?s have to go to Branson, MO, Lisa complains: ?Branson, Missouri? That?s a thousand miles away.? So, if you were to guess, within a margin of error of fifty or sixty miles, how far away Pickering Ontario is from Branson, Missouri, how far would you guess? If you guessed a thousand miles, you?d be well within the margin of error. According to Mapquest, Branson Missouri is 1052 miles away from Pickering. Of course, if you took a few back road short-cuts along the way, I?m sure you could round it right off to an even 1000. Mapquest it if you don?t believe me. :) Chicken and the Egg, #16 About The Worlds Largest Tire Fire The ?largest tire fire on the planet? happened when 14 million tires went up in flames in Haggersville, Ontario. No, it wasn?t Pickering, but it was in the same province as Pickering, not all that far away. Of course, anyone that watches The Simpson?s knows that the Springfield Tire Fire is a recurring gag, making appearances in episode after episode. So, the question is, what happened first? Did Ontario have a tire fire, and then it appeared in the Simpson?s, or did it happen first in the Simpsons, prognosticating the future for Ontario? Where is the real Springfield? Lots of towns and cities around the world claim to be the inspiration of the fictional town of Springfield. Over the past few months, I've seen some really lame attempts by mayors and government representatives to claim the crown by citing similarities such as "the man the owns the paper mill in town looks alot like Monty Burns," or "we have a donut factory, and we all know that Homer Simpson likes donuts." Even worse, towns with no similarities at all, except the name, are claiming the crown. "We are named Springfield, and we have a 7-11, so we must be the town on which Springfield is based." For the most part, these claims are pretty non-conclusive. I can give you about a thousand similarities between Pickering and Springfield that are way better than these lame claims. Plus, there?s the inside information as well, but we won?t even get into that. Here are just a few similarities between Pickering and Springfield. The list goes on and on, way beyond what?s listed here. I?d love to post every one of the little similarities I know of, but alas, I am way too lazy. M o r e C a n a d i a n s >> > M o r e C a n a d i a n s >> Just Another Coincidence, #1 Who Runs the Nuclear Power Plant? Who runs the nuclear power plant in the Simpson?s? Mr. Burns? Monty Burns? Charles Montgomery Burns? The middle name of the character that owns the nuclear power plant was taken from the very name of the street that the nuclear power plant is on in Pickering, Ontario. Yes, the nuclear power plant in Pickering is located on Montgomery Park Road, right across the street from Montgomery Park. MapQuest it if you don?t believe me. It?s all true. Buy The Darn Book! It?s Only Ten Bucks!!! Well, those are just a few of the many pieces of evidence that you will find to prove that Pickering is Springfield. Of course, I didn?t figure this all out on my own. I had help. And it?s a pretty good story as to how I came across this information. If you want more evidence about how Springfield is really Pickering, well, all you have to do is watch the show. But if you want to find out how I know all this, well, you?ll have to pick up a copy of the book. It?s a short book, and it won?t take you too long to read. And it?s only ten bucks. I mean, that?s a pretty good bargain. Order it now. On Amazon.com. Canadian Contributors The late Phil Hartman played Troy McClure and Lionel Hutz Phil Hartman Bret Hart Donald Sutherland Robert Goulet Alex Trebek Paul Anka Dave Thomas Scott Thompson Elvix Stojko Tim Long and Joel Cohen? ? Robert Goulet plays himself. [ 1F08 "$pringfield" ] ? Donald Sutherland played Hollis Hurlbut (the museum curator) [3F13 "Lisa the Iconoclast" ] ? Paul Anka plays himself. [3F04 "Treehouse of Horror VI" ] ? Bret "The Hitman" Hart plays himself [4F17 "The Old Man and the Lisa" ] ? Dave Thomas (SCTV fame) does the voice for Rex Banner.[4F15 "Homer vs. the 18th Amendment" ] ? Alex Trebek [5F07 "Miracle On Evergreen Terrace"] Scott Thompson (Kids in the Hall) [(EABF12 "Three Gays of the Condo"] Frank Gehry (Architect) [(#GABF08 / SI-1608 "Seven Beer Snitch")] ? Elvis Stojko (Figure Staker) [(#JABF01 / SI-1801 "Kill Gil, Volumes 1 & 2")] Tim Long William Shatner Joel Cohen Simpsons creator Matt Groening also has links to Toronto. His pre-Simpsons comic strip, Life in Hell, got picked up in the Toronto alternative weekly Now. P h i l H a r t m a n , ( 1 9 4 8 ? 1 9 9 8 ) Phil Hartman (September 24, 1948 ? May 28, 1998) Born in Brampton, Ontario, Phil Hartman was one of the funniest, most understated and underappreciated comedians of our time. Along with acting and stand up, Canada?s Phil Hartman was also a voice over professional, comedian, graphic artist and writer. He first came to widespread attention in the late 1980s and early 1990s for his roles on the sketch comedy show Saturday Night Live, afterwards going on to motion pictures, frequent roles on the animated The Simpson's, and a major part as "Bill McNeal" on the sitcom NewsRadio. On the Simpson?s, Phil Hartman was the voice of everyone?s favorite attention whore, Troy McClure, and attorney at law, Lionel Hutz. On May 28, 1998, Hartman was murdered by his wife, in his Encino, California home. While he slept, his wife entered his bedroom with a revolver and shot him multiple times in and around the head Rest in Peace, Phil Hartman. Comedy misses you. B r e t H a r t ( C a l g a r y, A l b e r t a ) I was lucky enough to see Bret Hart?s debut wrestling match in Maple Leaf Gardens, like, 100 years ago. Nobody knew who he was, but he totally lit the place up. He played himself in Season 8, on the episode ?The Old Man and the Lisa?, [4F17] Bret Sergeant Hart (born July 2, 1957) is a retired Canadian professional wrestler, and part of the Hart wrestling family. In the course of his career, he is best known by his ring name Bret "Hitman" Hart (alternatively spelled "Hit Man") - adopted from boxer Thomas Hearns. He also used the monikers "The Excellence of Execution" (originally dubbed as such by Gorilla Monsoon), "The Pink and Black Attack" and perhaps the most resounding, "The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be" (derived from the 1984 film The Natural, which starred Robert Redford). One of the greatest professional wrestlers of all time, he claimed seven World Heavyweight Championships during his career. Hart claims to be the greatest wrestler of all time by citing three facts: that he never seriously injured an opponent through any fault of his own; that, in the course of his career with the World Wrestling Federation, he only ever missed two shows, both as a result of traffic and flight difficulties; and the claim that he rarely refused to job. A l e x T r e b e k ( S u d b u r y , O n t a r i o ) ?Older than what? Dirt? I hope you lose!? I remember Alex saying that to a contestant on the really cheezy television show Pitfall, about a million years ago. The thing was, the person he said that to actually did lose. It was good television, though. In Season 9, Alex plays himself in the episode, ?Miracle on Evergreen Terrace.? George Alexander Trebek (born as Giorgi Suka-Alex Trebek [1] on July 22, 1940) is an Emmy Award-winning Canadian-American television personality and game show host who's best known as the host of the game show Jeopardy! since September 10, 1984. He has hosted numerous game/quiz shows and has appeared in television series, usually as himself. P a u l A n k a ( O t t a w a, O n t a r i o) In season 7, Paul Anka plays himself in ?Treehouse of Horror.? Anka first became famous as a teen idol in the late 1950s and 1960s, with hits songs like "Diana," "Lonely Boy," and "Put Your Head on my Shoulder." He went on to write such well-known music as the theme for The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, Tom Jones' biggest hit, "She's A Lady", and the English lyrics for Frank Sinatra's signature song, "My Way." Donald Sutherland (Saint John, New Brunswick) In Season 7, Donald Sutherland plays the museum curator in ?Lisa the Iconoclast.? Of course, he?s best remembered for his role in the classic movie MASH. Donald Sutherland was born in Saint John, New Brunswick. He got his first part time job aged 14 as a news correspondent for local radio station CKBW Radio in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia. He then studied at Victoria College, University of Toronto, and graduated with a double major in engineering and drama. He had, at one point, been a member of "UC Follies" comedy troupe in Toronto. He changed his mind about becoming an engineer and subsequently went to England to study at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art. R o b e r t G o u l e t Although he was born in Lawrence, MA, Robert was raised in Canada, he had his first professional appearance in Edmonton, went to the University of Toronto, and he hosted a program for the CBC. So, that pretty much makes him Canadian. Robert Goulet played himself in the Season 5 episode named $pringfield. Dave Thomas (St. Catherines, Ontario) Man, I remember being a kid and staying up late to watch SCTV, with the simple hope of seeing a 2 minute Bob and Doug McKenzie skit. Bob and Doug McKenzie were a pair of fictional Canadian brothers who hosted "The Great White North", a sketch which was introduced on SCTV for the show's third season when it moved to the CBC in 1980. Bob is played by Rick Moranis and Doug is played by Dave Thomas. "The Great White North" (originally known as "Kanadian Korner") was a panel show that played upon Canadian stereotypes. Bob and Doug, two dumb beer-swilling brothers wearing heavy winter clothing and toques, would comment on various elements of Canadian life and culture, frequently employing the interjection "Eh?" and derisively calling each other a "hoser." Among the topics discussed were snow routes, the Canadian-built robot arm on the Space Shuttle, the inappropriateness of bedtime stories about dog fights, and "why there aren't enough parking spaces at take-out doughnut shops." The sketch was conceived when SCTV moved to the CBC television network. Each episode to be broadcast on that network was two minutes longer than those syndicated to the United States. The CBC network heads asked the show's producers to add specifically and identifiably Canadian content for those two minutes. Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas thought that this was a ridiculous request, since the show had been taped in Canada, with a mostly Canadian cast and crew, for two years. The request inspired them to create a parody that would incorporate every aspect of the humorous stereotype of Canadians. The segments were videotaped at the end of a day's shooting, with just Thomas and Moranis and a single camera operator. The sketches were for the most part improvised on the set, and after doing several such ad-libbed bits, they would then select the best ones for use on the program. In Season 8, Dave does the voice for Rex Banner in the episode ?Homer versus the 18th Ammendment.? Scott Thompson (North Bay, Ontario) In season 14, Scott Thompson makes an appearance in the episode ?Three Gays in a Condo.? Scott Thompson (born June 12, 1959) is a Canadian television comedian, best known for his time as a member of the comedy troupe Kids in the Hall. Thompson was born in North Bay, Ontario, Canada, and grew up in Brampton, Ontario. He is the second oldest of four brothers. He attended Brampton Centennial Secondary School and was a student there at the time of the 1975 shooting massacre. He enrolled in York University but in his third year was asked to leave for being 'disruptive'. He joined the comedy troupe The Love Cats and while performing with them met Mark McKinney. In 1984 he became a member of The Kids in the Hall. That troupe's series aired starting 1989 on the CBC in Canada and on HBO in the United States, but moved to CBS for the fourth and fifth seasons. Openly gay, he became best-known on the show for his monologues as the effeminate, Truman Capote-esque Buddy Cole, as well as his appearances as Queen Elizabeth II. Elvis Stojko (Newmarket, Ontario) Elvis Stojko is a Canadian Figure Skating Champion. He was on Season 18?s episode ?Kill Gill.? Moe makes a statement about figure skaters, and Elvis sets Moe straight, saying he has a girlfriend in Vancouver. Moe then has the classic retort: ?Made up girlfriend, made up city.? Stojko won silver medals at the 1994 Winter Olympics and the 1998 Winter Olympics. He won the World Figure Skating Championships in 1994, 1995, and 1997. He also won the Canadian Championships in 1994, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, and 2002. In 1995 he suffered a serious ankle injury at the Canadian Championships but was determined to compete anyway. He began his short program but was not able to complete it due to the injury, and was awarded a bye to the 1995 World Championships. His 1995 World Championship skate is regarded as one of his most impressive competitive outings because his injury had not fully healed, yet he was able to complete his full routine. Stojko did not participate in the Canadian Championships in 2001. His silver medal in the 1998 Olympics was earned after a very difficult performance. Stojko had suffered a groin injury and he was also recovering from the flu that had struck many other athletes during the games. He was unable to take strong painkillers because they might have caused him to fail a drug test. He did not tell the media of his groin injury, and this only became obvious when he doubled over in pain after his long program. He found it too painful to skate during the medal presentation ceremony and limped onto the podium wearing sneakers. He chose not to attend the World Championships that year because he did not want to make his groin injury worse. After the Olympics, though, he gave an interview about the performance and started to cry when he heard people call him "gutsy" and "full of courage". Tim Long and Joel Cohen? C?mon! Buy The Darn Book! It?s Only Ten Bucks!!! Okay, that?s just a few of the Canadians who have appeared on the show. It doesn?t even get into the Canadian writers and stuff like that, but I?m just too lazy to go into that. The thing is, the big Canadian Connection isn?t all the Canadian actors that have been in the Simpson?s. The big connection is the fact that Springfield is based on Pickering, Ontario. Yes, Pickering is Springfield. Of course, if you want to find out all the intricate details about how I found this out, you?ve got to buy the book. Now, it?s only ten bucks, and I gotta tell you, it?s a bargain at twice that price. Plus, it?s short, and a real easy read. You?ll love it. Buy a copy. Heck, buy two or three. I won?t stop you. :) Order it now. On Amazon.com. The Italian Bob (#HABF02 / SI-1702) - On their trip to Italy Bary asks Lisa about the Canadian flag on her back pack, to which Lisa responds "Well, some people in Europe have the impression that America has made some stupid choices in the past o' five years... so for the next week I am from Canada." Midnight Rx (#FABF16 / SI-1516) - Homer and Grandpa start smuggling drugs in from Canada when drug costs get to high in the United States. In Canada they meet up with Grandpa's contact who gives them a Health Care card and says "taken that to any pharmacy and you'll get enough drugs to make Regina look like Saskatoon". Also on one trip you notice the welcome sign to Winnepeg that says "we are boring here, what's your excuse?" ? "Catch'em if You Can" (#FABF14 / SI-1514) - On Niagra Falls Homer and Marge are about to go over the edge, and Canadian and United States Coast Guard are fighting over who should help them: ? American Coast Gaurd: Back off Canadians we got them ? Canadian Coast Gaurd: You back off hosers, they are in Canadian waters, eh' ? American Coast Gaurd: Beat it you puck smacking maple suckers! ? Canadian Coast Gaurd: Take a hike you Shatner stealing Mexico touchers! "The Regina Monologues" (#EABF22 / SI-1417) - When Homer is talking to the Queen he makes the analogy of the United States being Englands children, "I know we don't call as ofthen as we should, and we aren't as well behaved as our good two shoes brother Canada, who by the way has never had a girl friend... I'm just saying." "Bart vs. Lisa vs. 3rd Grade" (DABF20) - Bart help's Lisa with her homework on Canada with the mnemonic: Quiet Nerds Burp Only Near School. Which helps you remember the four founding provinces of Canada. Quebec, New Brunswick, Ontario, & Nova Scotia. "A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love" (CABF18) - When Mr. Burns returns with the champagne and his girlfriend and Homer have already left, he passes an arcade machine called "Nuke Canada". "Skinner's Sense of Snow" (CABF06) - The Simpsons watch the cirkus "Cirque de Puree". The pamphlet for the circus states: "As French-Canadians, they don't believe in refunds or exploiting animals for entertainment"; much to the disappointment of Homer. "As Good As Lisa Gets" (AABF03) - The Otto posses as a comptroller says at an assembly "What she [Lisa] just did took courage, and where I come from, Canada, we reward courage." "The Bongo Show" (5F15) - Bart is doing a newscast about missing birds and says "Some say the birds flew to Canada, others say Toronto." "Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo" (AABF20) - Canadians appear on Japanese game show where they are covered in scorpions and the host laughs "Sting those Canucks!". Homer watching, laughs and yells "Take that, you stupid hosers!". Shatner Stealing Mexico Touchers!!! In the episode, Catch ?Em If You Can, Homer and Marge must be rescued before going over Niagara Falls. The exchange between the US and Canadian Coast Guard is as follows: Americans: Back off Canadians we got them Canadians: You back off hosers, they are in Canadian waters, eh' Americans: Beat it you puck smacking, maple suckers! Canadians: Take a hike you Shatner stealing Mexico touchers! Is Toronto in Canada? When I tell people that Springfield is based on Pickering Ontario, part of their disbelief is founded in the fact that Springfield can?t be based on a Canadian town. This may be true. BUT, according to The Simpson?s, Toronto, which includes Pickering as the Greater Toronto Area (GTA), is not part of Canada. This is what Bart says when doing a newscast about missing birds: "Some say the birds flew to Canada, others say Toronto." So, there you go! According the The Simpson?s, Toronto isn?t necessarily part of Canada. If people argue that Springfield can?t be based on a Canadian city, well, you?ve got the proof that Toronto, according to the Simpson?s, isn?t actually part of Canada. And hey, as the greatest Liberal Prime Minister of Canada once said, ?a proof is a proof is a proof.? So, if it?s not part of Canada, what is it a part of? Oh, perhaps that fictional land where Springfield actually resides. How Many Canadians Does It Take? How many Canadians does it take to make a hit, American TV show? Lots, that?s for sure. It?s funny, I do quite a bit of work in the US, and I meet some really great Americans. However, it seems that all of the truly great Americans are, well, CANADIANS. I mean, I do alot of Java programming, so it was no surprise to find out that the inventor of Java, James Gosling, hails from Calgary. And of course, I love television and comedy, and all the great comedians are always Canadians ? you know, the Jim Carreys, the Mike Myers, the William Shatners. Okay, Bill Shatner wasn?t really a comedian, but did you ever see him act? Well, it?s no surprise that Canadians represent the glue that keeps the Simpson?s horse together. Here?s a short list of some of the Canadians that have been on the show. This list is by no means exhaustive, and it doesn?t even include Canadian writers for the show, like Tim Long, or all the Canadians behind the scenes that do loads of work and never get credit for it. Seriously, all of the greatest Americans are Canadians; just ask Shania and Avril if you don?t believe me. What?s for Lunch? After seeing the Canadian Film, Naked Lunch, Nelson says: ''I can think of at least two things that are wrong with that title" Winnipeg When travelling through Winnipeg, the welcome sign says: "we are boring here, what's your excuse?" F r e n c h C a n a d a When attending a performance of the French circus crew, "Cirque de Puree,? Homer gets a pamphlet that reads: "As French-Canadians, they don't believe in refunds or exploiting animals for entertainment.? In another episode, not wanting to talk to Marge, Homer says: "Canada to hold Referendum. Sorry Marge can't talk now." Can?t Talk Now Not wanting to talk to Marge, Homer says: "Canada to hold Referendum. Sorry Marge can't talk now." T h e P r o v e I t T o Y o u r s e l f Q u i z Still not convinced that Springfield was based on Pickering, Ontario? Well, take a stab at this little quiz. It?ll not only test you on your Simpson?s and your Pickering trivia knowledge, but it?ll also help demonstrate that Springfield is indeed based upon Pickering. It?s only ten questions, so give it a shot! W e ? r e a L i t t l e S l o w Why the young boy was in remedial classes with Bart: "I moved here from Canada, and they think I am a little slow, eh?." I think that was an insult. :( R e g i n a a n d S a s k a t o o n Apparently, Matt Groening?s father was thought to be from Winnipeg, but upon further inspection, records reveal that he may actually have been born somewhere in Saskatchewan. Here?s a little Saskatchewan quote from the Midnight Prescription episode. When given a Canadian health card for free meds, Grandpa is told: "taken that to any pharmacy and you'll get enough drugs to make Regina look like Saskatoon". International Travel You know, when I travel to Europe, I always put a US flag on my knapsack or luggage. That way, when I?m rude and ignorant, people just fluff it off as me being ?just another ignorant American.? Funny, but Americans do the exact opposite, as Lisa does in The Italian Bob episode. When asked about the Canadian flag on her stuff, Lisa says: "Well, some people in Europe have the impression that America has made some stupid choices in the past o' five years... so for the next week I am from Canada." Homer Comparing Canada to the US (to the Queen) "I know we don't call as often as we should, and we aren't as well behaved as our goody two shoes brother Canada, who by the way has never had a girl friend... I'm just saying." Founding Provinces In Bart vs. Lisa vs. 3rd Grade, when Bart helps Lisa remember the founding Canadian provinces for her homework, he gives her this little ditty: Quiet Nerds Burp Only Near School So, the four founding provinces are: Quebec, New Brunswick, Ontario and Nova Scotia. Monty and Canada In the background of one episode, we see that Montgomery Burns has a video game called Nuke Canada. Sounds more like something you?d hear from South Park. W e ? r e a L i t t l e S l o w Why the young boy was in remedial classes with Bart: "I moved here from Canada, and they think I am a little slow, eh?." I think that was an insult. :( W e ? r e a L i t t l e S l o w Why the young boy was in remedial classes with Bart: "I moved here from Canada, and they think I am a little slow, eh?." I think that was an insult. :( Q u o t e s a n d R e f e r e n c e s Seeing that the father of the originator, Matt Groening, was a Canadian, and many of the writers from the show are Canadian, it?s no surprise that the Simpsons is full of Canadian quotes and references. Here are just a few of my favorites> I t A l l A d d s U p , D o e s n ? t I t ? It all adds up, doesn?t it? And these are only some of the similarities between Pickering and Springfield. Storyline after storyline, reference after reference, and quote after quote has something to do with Pickering, Ontario. Pickering is Springfield. Tell your friends. And if they don?t believe you, have them take the quiz as well. And have them buy a copy of the darned book! It?s only ten measly bucks. You Don?t Need a PayPal Account to use PayPal Okay, the very best way to get my book is to pay through PayPal. The cost? A measly ten bucks, and that includes all the tax, shipment costs, packaging, and delivery fees. Yes, it?s an incredible bargain, but that?s what I?m all about, giving people bargains. And just so you know, you don?t need a PayPal account to use PayPal. You can just put the book in your PayPal shopping cart, and use the credit card option to pay. Seriously, it makes it so easy. PayPal does all the security stuff, the charge goes to your credit card, and I send the book to you in a fast and loving manner. It doesn?t get much better than that! When you buy from me on PayPal, the business name is something like Amazing Books Cards and Collectibles. I used to sell all sorts of Tim Horton hockey cards, and comic books on eBay. Don?t let the business name throw you off. It?s really me, Cameron McKenzie, behind the scenes! Or Buy Through Me, from Amazon.com You can also buy the book through amazon.com. Yes, dot-com, not dot-ca. Sorry, but my distribution channels only allow the U.S. Amazon to stock my books. Of course, that means you get dinged with a hefty shipping charge on top of the actual book price. To minimize that, I discounted the book heavily on Amazon. Still, when it?s all said and done, you end up paying more on Amazon than through PayPal, but it?s up to you. Just buy the darned book! It?s cheap, no matter which method you use to buy it. And it?s a great read. You won?t be disappointed! Snail Mail Payments If you can?t buy the book through Amazon or PayPal, you can always just send ten buck through the mail. Just send it to: Pickering is Springfield c/o Cameron McKenzie 390 Queens Quay West Apartment 2003 Toronto Ontario Canada Canada Post payments usually arrive to me in a week, and the book gets delivered in about a weeks time after that. It works! T e l e v i s i o n a n d R a d i o A p p e a r a n c e s From college radio stations, to guest spots on such Canadian staples as Pamela Wallin Live, Cameron McKenzie is an entertaining and memorable guest. Cameron McKenzie is currently filling in his media schedule for the remainder of the summer. To have Cameron make a guest spot on your television show, radio program, or even for various public speaking engagements, simply contact media relations at: D i s c e r n i n g B o m b s o n O s h a w a The novella ?Pickering is Springfield? is actually just one story in a collection of shorts, poems, and digital photography that was all packaged together in an exciting collection called ?Discerning Bombs on Oshawa.? Always writing, I got to a point in 2006 when I had about five books about three-quarters of the way done, and I was starting on a sixth. The stories were compelling, and I wanted to get them into print, so I took the most compelling stories I had and made shorts or novellas out of them. Furthermore, the short-story format made it easy for me to slide in some of my somewhat disturbing poetry from time to time. Furthermore, after each story, I threw in some of my digital photography, giving the book a little bit of color and flair. Overall, I think it?s a highly artistic piece. If you found ?Pickering is Springfield? to be an enjoyable read, pick up a copy of ?Discerning Bombs on Oshawa.? You?ll enjoy it, and the stories will really make you think. I guarantee you ? it?s not what you think. Poems and Stories from Discerning Bombs include: The Most Selfish Man in the World Pickering is Springfield Fred?s Ashes Social Entropy Head Tapping Che Depredating Xanadu The Hate Lines The Exegesis of the Downhill Slide About a Pretty Girl Discerning Bombs on Oshawa It?s not too often that you?ll find a collection of stories, photographs and poems that were inspired by life in the Durham Region. You?ll enjoy it. Trust me. Pick up a copy of Discerning Bombs. You won?t regret it.